A Mother's Bond-ing Square

March 19, 2022

A Mother's Bond-ing Square

One of the difficult parts of this journey has been the separation from Gracie.

It is absolutely not natural to have no bonding time with your child after giving birth to them. I remember when she was first born, we were't allowed to hold her yet and even touching her was difficult.

Because she was born so prematurely, her skin was highly sensitive to touch. We were advised to put a gentle but firm hand on her head and feet, and to only give pressure- no movement. Stroking and rubbing can actually cause them pain and discomfort.

Which absolutely goes against all of one's instincts to sooth.

I remember the first time I was able to hold Gracie after giving birth to her. I looked at Nikko and said- I feel home. For 29 weeks while I was pregnant, it was just me and her, 24 hours a day- sharing life. And then unexpectedly, without any kind of warning, she was ripped out of me and taken 47 miles away to a different hospital.

I morned that new mother, just born bonding. I felt like I was unjustly missing out on something so sacred and special.

I didn't get to place her on my chest. I didn't get to have her try breastfeeding. I didn't get to have a matching robe to her swaddle. It made me sad....and I missed her. Genuinely missed her.

When we got to CHOP, we were gifted a bag from a local NICU organization called Today is a Good Day. Inside this bag was a lot of the typical things we've gotten from other organizations: a notebook for medical notes, water bottle, tissues, a note of solidarity and compassion.

Also inside this bag was bonding squares.

Boning squares. I was intrigued.

What in NICU tarnations is a bonding square and why have I not heard about it at all in my previous 83 days of my NICU stay!?

Bonding squares are two small pieces of fabric. Usually knit from soft, newborn friendly yarn. One is worn by mom against her skin, and the other is left bedside in baby's crib or isolette.

Then you switch squares.

The intention is to help NICU mom's and babies bond via smell. Fun fact: smell is one of the most developed senses in babies, particularly premature ones and newborns.

The smell of mommy can calm and sooth baby, while the smell of baby can help with milk production.

Ever since I was gifted them, Gracie has had one bonding square with her, and I wear one. Then we switch.

She has had a it with her while sleeping at night, while she was prepping for surgery, right after her surgery, while Nikko and I went home for a few days, and each and every night I am not with her.