... and sometimes reality hits... HARD

86 Days Old

 Can we be real for a moment?

I absolutely LOVE being a mom, it's really all I've ever wanted. My love for her is more than I ever thought imaginable... but it was never supposed to be this way.

Never in a million years, when I FINALLY saw those two pink lines, did I imagine the beginning of my journey into motherhood would look like this.

Most days, we are super positive and choose to see the miracles that surround us (and they are everywhere), but I never imagined it looking like this, and it's really hard.

I was supposed to be home figuring out motherhood, stumbling along the way...

I wasn't supposed to have her ripped from me 11 weeks prematurely. I wasn't supposed to stare at her through two port holes on her incubator, not even touching her. I wasn't supposed to not be able to hold her for the first few weeks of her life.

I wasn't supposed to have a million wires to wrestle with every diaper change, and have a million beeps flood my days (and most of my dreams at night). I wasn't supposed to be in a specialty hospital because our first (level IV) NICU no longer had the capability to help our baby. I wasn't supposed to constantly worry if my child is breathing sufficiently or obstructing her own airway. I wasn't supposed to ask our nurses each morning if she's had any events of apnea, tachypnea, or bradycardia while we were away from bedside. I wasn't supposed to watch her code, helplessly staring with tears flowing down my face.

We weren't supposed to be in temporary, Ronald McDonald, housing for months on end. We weren't supposed to not be surrounded by family and friends as we welcomed our first born into this world...

As we fast approach surgery day, and Ava Grace turning 3 months, everyday I find myself wrestling with wanting more than anything to be home but also scared shitless to be home. She's been alive 86 days and never breathed in fresh air. She doesn't even know what our entire faces look like, since she has never seen us without masks.

While we are so incredibly thankful that we can access the medical care she needs, and we truly see all the miracles around her and around us...It just wasn't supposed to be this way and it's really really hard.