Journey to Baby Milton

In honor of national infertility awareness week. I thought I'd share our journey through infertility.  

I've always been a big believer of talking about it all. I am a firm believer in the more we talk about things, the less stigma exists and the less alone people feel. 

I've always wanted to be a mom. And a mom to my own biological child. 

I am adopted and I have the most amazingly incredible family...but I am not biologically tied to them. And I've always felt on some level, alone. That might be crazy becuase I am insanely close to my adoptive mom, but I always felt like a part of me was missing. So it was incredibly important to me to have my own biological child. 

mom and me - yes, we look freakishly alike. 

When Nikko and I were dating we played "baby roulette". Not actively trying to have kids, but we were together for years, lived together, were bonified adults with adult jobs and if it happened it happened. Well... it did not happen. Fast forward to us married, owning a home and 6 years of baby roulette under our belts with not even a scare, we decided it was time to take action. 

We started at my annual gyno appointment with a blood test. Everything was fine. My AMH (egg count hormone) was on the lower end but still fine and there should be nothing to worry about but she suggested seeing a reproductive endocrinologist if we were still worried. 

If you know me in real life you know I was immediately calling our insurance provider to find whomever was in network. That's how we eneded up at our fertility doctor, who happened to be in the fancy pants town (and 45 minutes from home). 

We did alllllll the tests, physical, genetic, me, Nikko... literally it all. And we came back healthy. My ovarian reserve was borderline, but our doctor wasn't concerned about the health of my eggs and very confident we'd get our family.

We started with IUI (interuterin insemination). We did 3 rounds with clomid meds. 

It did not work. 

We then moved forward with IVF. 

If you've never done IVF before (lucky you), but it is a commitment of time, emotions, energy, physically taxing and financially taxing. There are daily hormone injections and trigger shots, internal ultrasounds and blood draws. Early morning, pre work, follicle and uterin monitoring and now covid testing. It's a lot and it's hard. 

I mentioned our dr was 45 min from home. Well, my job is also 45 min from home... and they are in the opposite directions of eachother. So three mornings a week, I would drive the 45 minutes to the dr for a 15-20 minute appointment and then drive the hour and a half to work. 

I. Was. Exhausted. 

But I'd have my baby, and they would be sooo worth it right? 

Our egg retrieval day came around. At the time covid lockdown was still very much a thing, so Nikko could not be there with me. He also couldn't attend any doctors appointments either, but the angel nurses tried their best to help you not feel so alone. 

Everything went smoothly. I had the best anesthesia nap and they got 7 beautiful, healthy eggs. My doctor was "thrilled". 

Now the embryologists fertilize the eggs and watch them. They check to see who survived into embryos on day one and again on day five. 

So home to rest I went and awaited that call to see who survived the first 24 hours. At day 1 we had two beautifully developing embryo and one more that started and they would watch. 

Two. Not a big number, but it only takes one right? We prayed so hard they would get to day five. 

It was a long four days waiting for the next call. The day 5 call finally came. The two day ones survived to day five and the third caught up and was beautiful as well!

So we scheduled our fresh transfer. I remember being so excited and hopeful and planning when our baby would be due if it worked. June by the way. Baby would have been due June. 

We ended up not going through with the transfer and decided to do another retrieval. Our doctor knew we wanted ideally more than one child and he knew three embabies weren't many, so he suggested testing our embryos and moving forward with another retrieval to get as many young healthy embryos as we could. 

Sounded great! Let's test these and go get more! 

We immediately scheduled the next round of IVF to get more eggs and awaited our PGS testing results. They didnt take long and when the phone wrang and it was our doctor on the line and not a nurse, I knew the news wasn't good. 

All three of our embryos were genetically sick. 

In that instance we went from three possibilities, three potential babies, to none.

I remember at that time feeling like I didn't have the right to be so sad, so heartbroken. We were young, we were healthy and we could try again, but I was soul-crushingly sad. 

It was then I came across healthyivf Instagram post "a loss is a loss". I never felt more seen. It was the validation that I never knew I so desperately needed. 

She spoke about how a loss is a loss at any stage and she named my loss (amongst others)- a loss of an embryo, or for us all embryos, due to PGS testing. Those embryos were our children, our future, our family. We went from having three superbly beautiful day five chances to having nothing. 

It never crossed my mind after all the shots and all the appointments and all the tests, we could walk away with not even one embaby. 

Me being stubborn me, wanted to go again right away. I was determined we'd get embryos and we'd get pregnant. I say we alot...and if that irks your pickle, I'm sorry. It's my default. It makes me feel less alone, but there's no mistaking it... I did 97% of the work here and I can't say I felt 97% of the pain associated with it but the meltdowns were definitely all me 🤣

So we started round 2 of IVF. This time would be different. I just knew it.

So the pharmacy doorstep delivery happened, the dates with Wanda, early morning pre-work bloodwork and montioring started. I shot myself up every night and went for the pre-ivf round covid test. Everything was going swimmingly- I was exhausted and bruised, but oh so hopeful. 

My follicles were growing fantastically. My lining was "beautiful", my egg retrieval was scheduled. I went in for my pre-proceedure covid test... and with zero symptoms at all, tested positive.  

Everything was canceled. The entire round was for nothing.

Crushed. I was crushed. And I was at my breaking point. 

I told Nikko I just couldnt do it anymore and I needed a break. 

I took 3 months to get myself right. Why 3 months? That's how long it takes for your eggs to mature. So if you want to make a change and see a difference in your egg health the changes you make today will show up in 3 months. 

In that 3 months I threw everything I had into holistic egg and fertility health. I REALLY buckled down on our diets, supplements for both of us, weekly acupuncture for me, daily ovulation testing and lots of boom booms (trying to make a baby is not as fun as it sounds promise). I avoided all toxins including nail polishes and plastics. I worked out daily and when I say I threw everything I had- I really did. 

This included daily ovulation tests. I've taken them for years, every month getting my peak result. Not ovulation was never my issue. 

The month I got pregnant I could not get a positive ovulation test result. It was showing "high" for 16 days straight. For those of you who do not know, you typically get a "high" two-ish days before your "peak" around day 14 of your cycle (give or take). Peak means it's go time. I never got that peak I needed to know I ovulated. So here I am thinking, "oh great", something else is wrong with me- I'm now not ovulating." 

Well... the week I was supposed to return to our fertility doctor, on day 27 of my cycle, I finally got my peak. 

Spoiler alert, the hormone hcg, which detects pregnancy can also show up as a peak level on an ovulation stick. Knowing this info, I took a pregnancy test, not expecting anything becuase I do not get pregnant. 

And to my surprise... two pink lines, and the start of the next chapter. The start of our journey to being Gracie's parents. The start of our miracle.